When I first found out I was pregnant, it was january 1st 2002. I had a sneaking suspicion that I was pregant. At the very least, I knew there was something out of the ordinary with my body. While I was in denial about the obvious, my body seemed to be filtering messages into my subconcious. I believe this because I had not celebrated New Year’s Eve with my usual fare. No drinks, no drugs, in fact I’d already been prefectly sober for over two weeks.
That morning I woke up early as usual and my boyfriend was still asleep. I had decided by no real logic that today was going to be the day I bit the bullet and went out for a pregnancy test. It may have been New Year’s, BUt I was pretty sure Walgreens or Eckerd would be open. So I silently got dressed and snuck out of my apartment, my boyfriend non the wiser.
The streets were deserted by Walgreens was open and a few scattered people were inside. I picked up one of those pregnancy tests that include two sticks, just in case. When I got home my boyfriend was still sleeping, so I went to the bathroom to use the kit.
It didn’t take long for the little pink lines to confirm that, yes, I was pregnant. I didn’t even bother to use the second test I had been sure all along. After a pause I started to cry, my life was over. I stayed in that bathroom for a good half and hour just crying out my misery delaying the moment when I woke up my boyfriend to let him know.
Now, a few people asked me afterwards why I didn’t just have an abortion with or without letting my boyfriend know. Very simple actually, I always knew that if I were to get pregnant by him I was going to have to give birth or just lose him. I knew his views on the subject.
Also, we hadn’t been careful. That should be obvious. When a woman is on birth control pills and then suddenly stops, she’s not necessarily fertile the very next day. It all depends on the woman. She might be fertile in a couple of days, a few months, or a year. Well, we milked that grace period for as long as we could and then we got a baby. So in the back of my head I knew I might get pregnant, and that thought didn’t having me running for a box of condoms. So why act all surprised now?
Another reason, because I always have many reasons for doing things, was that I had already gotten my Bachelor’s Degree. Granted it was in Photography and I might as well have wiped my ass with it, but it was still a degree. Honestly, I just didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life yet. Still, I wasn’t some teenage pregnant girl. I was young, yes, but not too young. I had a decent job, and I had a nice apartment with two bedrooms anyway.
Lastly, I had always said that if I got knocked up and I was already finished with school and had my life stable enough, I would not get an abortion. So there I was ready to put my money where my mouth was.
I left the bathroom and snuck back into bed with my boyfriend, asleep and oblivious to all my internal torment. So I nudged him awake slowly because the anxiety was killing me and I just had to get his reaction of the whole thing. I imagined he’d be happy to hear he was going to be a dad, and I was right.
He was all wide eyed and in awe. He tried to assauge my fears and concerns of the situation. I told him that now we’d never be able to go back packing through Europe. He painted this beautiful picture of the two us together with our son or daughter, traveling through Europe. One small family, like the one I always dreamed of.
I remember when I was younger, back around 1992 just when grunge had taken over the world. My mother was driving us around somewhere in South Beach and I looked out my window and saw this guy in grunge gear resembling Jeff Ament of Pearl Jam. He was pushing a baby carriage with a little boy and I fell in love with that image. That’s what I wanted.
That day my boyfriend and I went out to walk along South Beach together. Still a little weirded out by the whole thing but I tried to keep a brave face on for him. I tried to picture the future, the two of us wearing cons and tattoos, pushing a baby in a Nirvana onesie, it was a nice idea. But I never managed to relax about the whole baby thing.