Live Free or Die

Today I was at a child’s birthday party, but that’s really not the point.

I was sitting with my friend’s mom who was telling us that they were waiting for this girl to come by later because she was probably going to be renting the apartment behind my friend’s house. I know from the past that they have always wanted me to rent that apartment since our kids are the same age and they’ve grown up together like family. Now, I have never in the past been able to afford to live on my own, and I’m not exactly in the situation where I could right now either. But I can afford that apartment.

My mother who was sitting there listening to this whole conversation asked a few questions, but really didn’t say anything to me at my obvious peaked interest to know that this apartment was now available. Of course not, my mother is a smothering old woman whom I love to death, but am still hesitant to outright contradict on something so huge as moving out.

It’s hard to argue with a woman who had to support me again, despite the fact that I had become an adult. I was broke and unemployed when my ex split with me, and I can’t even imagine what I would have done with myself if my mother wasn’t the wonderful woman that she is. I can’t imagine how I had the courage the first time to tell her that I was moving out to live in sin with my boyfriend. Yes, mom, that jerk who treated me like crap back in high school. It’s hard to argue with a woman when you don’t want to be reminded that she did in fact “told you so.”

Honestly, I wouldn’t be able to live very comfortably if I did move out at this point. In a few months my student loans are going to start sending me bills and that’s going to really cut into my paycheck. The apartment is basically just a hole in the wall anyway. It’s not in a good neighborhood for schools. I’d have to put in money for furniture, since I have virtually none. Overall, I admit defeat before I even begin to argue, it’s not the best idea right now.

So why am I ranting? Because I am so sick and tired of being here in this apartment. If I were to move into a 2 bedroom with my mother… ugh, the very idea is making me feel like the walls are closing in; like I’m going to have an anxiety attack. This is particularly amusing since at the moment, we live in a 1 (that’s right ‘uno’) bedroom apartment for all 3 of us.

How have I done it all these years? Necessity. I couldn’t afford to buy a used blanket to warm myself with until fairly recently.

I am really stressing this whole living arrangement right now. I want to be on my own, but I can’t really afford to give my daughter the minimum things I would like her to have. I should just stay with my mother and start liquidating my debts, but if we did move into a bigger place together, how much easier would it really be? Isn’t the slight inconvenience worth the independence? What about when school starts and then I have to worry about paying for after school programs on top of everything else?

The whole thing just makes my head spin. It makes me very resentful. As expensive as it all is, I know that eventually I’m going to have to be on my own, because the alternative, this dependence, is completely unacceptable. But of course, ultimately, it just makes me very disappointed with my life. After all, this is all my own fault really.

I know I’ll get where I want to go eventually, but things just seem to be moving too slow.


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