I just had an epiphany when I was walking from my computer to the printer. Now, I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way because I’m not actually that upset over it. It was a fleeting thought, but I saw it as plain as day: I’m going to be miserable for the rest of my life.
Like, not miserable where I’m bedridden and find no joy in anything. Miserable like just generally. Nothing is ever going to be enough for me. I don’t really think it is. Unless the way I feel changes, and that’s not something I can really control, I’m always going to feel this underlying misery. I mean, I can control what I do and how I express my emotions, but I can’t really control my ID, right? That’s the point of an ID.
I don’t mean day to day stuff like paying bills, or dented fender, or damn I got to lose weight. I mean the big things health, family, career. I’m good with my health. I’m not so much in the good with my family life. I love my family, but it’s not really an ideal situation and things are just going to get more complicated unless I compromise my – career. Which pretty much sucks right now in the way trying to start a career usually does. I know that if I compromise anything now, when it all gets washed up in a few more years, I’ll just wish that I had stuck to my original plan. So for better or worse, here I go.
So yeah, I think I’m just going to be miserable. I think I really mean that. I’m trying to think back on moments in my life where I was just truly happy with everything. And I can see them so clearly. But I have to wonder if my vision is skewed.
I know I’ll still enjoy the things around me. I’ve been doing it this whole time. Disney was fun, and I love going to the movies, and writing, and I laugh, and I can enjoy everything. But if I sit down and think and really take stock of things, then I’m just not happy. And I know I can’t fix that.
Oh crap… I just had another epiphany. I don’t want to fix it. Maybe I could. Maybe if I focus and go through mantras in my head and just breathe and talk my way through it I could fix this. Maybe. But no, I don’t want to. I don’t want to change my goals, I don’t want to compromise, I don’t want to aim lower, and if that means being miserable then that’s the way it’s going to be.
I think this is for real. I think this is it.
Oh, and don’t ask me what I’m aiming for, I’m really superstitious, and then I’ll think it won’t happen cause I told.