I turned 30 yesterday.
You know when people tell you that age is just a number? Or how about the one where 30 can’t be all that different from 29, it’s just one number higher. Okay. But how about those 10 years between 20 and 30. Trust me, that big number 30 on my balloons yesterday meant something to me.
I am no longer in my twenties. Like the last days of December you can’t help but think back and assess what has just passed. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that either. You should assess yourself every once in awhile like Spring Cleaning. It’s just a little daunting when you look back on 10 years instead of just the one.
I did all right, but I could have done better. There’s a few things I feel I’ve come up short on. A lot of things actually. Having never finished a novel, that’s big especially since I have a Bachelor’s in Creative Writing. Almost no photo work either despite having a Bachelor’s in Photography. Making less than $30,000 a year, wasn’t expecting that especially with a Master’s degree. I think I forgot to get married and have a career. I also never got that threesome with two guys I wanted.
So that kind of means I have a lot of catching up to do. At least in my mind. It feels like my term paper is due in a week and all I did was check out research books from the library I haven’t read. I’m staring at a blank page with a title on top, and I’m not too sure about the title either.
I’m 30. Shouldn’t I know by now? Shouldn’t I be in the middle of it instead of just starting?
Whats worse is the Poeish aspect of it all. I feel Poeish. Defeated. A few months ago I was in such a hurry to get started on my hopes and dreams and now it feels like it’s too late. Like the window of opportunity passed me by like a spaceship trying for re-entry.
The only thing I can see clearly is the decision ahead of me. I can stand here on this ledge for possibly the rest of my life or I can jump blindly off this cliff. Will I be able to take that leap of faith? Will something hold me back? Will I break on rocks below or splash into a deep sea?