If you absolutely, positively, want to be a mother, my advice is to go it alone, sans father.
The other day as I was having a shitfit with my baby daddy, my mother expressed that she had never loved my father as much as she did that moment, for leaving us, and leaving her the fuck alone. She didn’t have to deal with all this baby daddy drama cause my dad was on the first plane back to Jersey.
Let’s be real, most marriages end in divorce. It’s quite possible that before this divorce you might have kids. And now your stuck with an ex and the kids. This can be more diffucult than you even realize. So here are some tips for aspiring mothers:
1. Move after getting together with him. The further the better.
So when he dumps you and you have to move back in with your parents, he’ll be too far away to make your life hell as often.
2. Stay squeaky fucking clean.
If you have a clean record and he doesn’t the Judge will look more favorably on you. If you’re lucky he’ll commit a real big crime and be put away for almost all of your kids young life.
3. Have a better career.
If you make more money, or he travels a lot, the Judge will look more favorably on you. You already have the upper hand, being the mother figure. Don’t let him bring other cards to the table.
4. Have good connections, make sure he doesn’t.
He’ll probably be a bit more docile if you are related to a Judge or mob boss.
5. Date a non-citizen or non-resident, but don’t marry him.
Maybe he’ll get deported and you won’t even have to worry about him at all.
6. Date someone with a dangerous job or heart condition.
Maybe he’ll just die. You might get a life insurance check.
7. Find a guy who’s already impregnated and ditched other women.
If he has other kids he doesn’t see, he won’t want to see yours. This also has the benefit of seeing his genes at work. Plus, even if he was interested in his children, it’s a lot of children to be running after and he won’t have as much time to bother you.
8. Forget him, go to a sperm bank.
This bypasses the father thing altogether. It would be the same as getting impregnated from some guy who high tails it completely. By going to a sperm bank you null the possibility of having him show up after conveniently missing the diaper years. Also, no chance that after your kid is rich and famous he comes back to reconnect with the kid and the kid’s big fat wallet.
9. Here I was going to suggest not informing the father that you’re pregnant, but I’m not sure on the legality of that. Plus, I personally think it’s morally unethical. But hey, that’s just me.
10. Don’t have more than one baby daddy.
It’s probably twice the headache even if you follow my advice on 1-9.
So this will all go into my always in progress, barely written, rock n’roll single mom book. The scary part of this blog is that I’m actually very serious. I tried to write it a bit comical, but I’m totally for real on it.
Go forth future MILFs and make me proud.