So I haven’t posted in a long time. I’ve been sick, then I went to Colorado, then I got sick again. So now I haven’t been to work in about a week. I feel a bit out of the loop. I haven’t had the courage to weigh myself, but I think I look thinner. Must be all the illnesses.

I had this conversation with my best friend about knowing what you want. I always tell people that knowing what you want is the hard part. But I think not getting what I want these past few years has been really hard on me too. I keep trying to change my mind I realize because since I’m not getting what I want I keep trying to adjust my wants to what I can actually get. This is making me sad because I never thought the things I wanted were so impossible to get in the first place. A job at my pay grade outside of Florida? A two bedroom apartment so my daughter can have her own room? a dog?

It’s not like I’m asking to win the lottery here or marry Keifer Sutherland. But I’ve been doing nothing but FAIL FAIL FAIL for three years. So I don’t really feel like leaving the house which tells me I’m falling into a depression and I need to get out of the house. I’m going to go see the movie Legion tonight.

I haven’t been editing my book either. Is it because I’m afraid to fail or because I think there’s no point in trying because I’m such a failure? Either way, FAIL. I should get a t-shirt. FAIL FAIL FAIL.

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