Unicorn Pegasus Kitten contest

This is what I wrote for the John Scalzi/Wil Wheaton Unicorn Pegasus Kitten painting contest.  There’s a picture below for those who don’t know what I’m going on about.  I think I took the whole thing too seriously, but I really wanted it to be original without being too out there, you know? I just tried really hard to make it original and entertaining. Winning? Bah, I hear the odds are about 350 to 1. 🙂

Title: The Volcanic Reaction

Fandom: RP Wil Wheaton and John Scalzi

Pairing: none

Rating: PG

Warnings: silliness with a bit of angst

Summary: Wil Wheaton has a hissy fit on the set of his new movie written by John Scalzi.

Authors Note: I prefer when fanfic authors write titles, warnings, ratings, and especially summaries.

“Evil orc, you have pillaged my village for the last time,” Wil Wheaton yelled as he rode atop of the flying beast and raised his spear into the air. The wings of his steed beat a strong wind onto the ground below.

“Grrrr!” John Scalzi growled from where he stood. His green orc hand tightened on his axe.

“I’ll smite ye where ye stand!” yelled Wil. The beast mount opened its jaw and let out a deafening roar as it hovered above the orc.

Wil threw his spear towards John. Dual volcanoes erupted behind him. Glowing red burning lava started to flow down the side destroying all life in its path.

“Holy sh-” John sputtered. He jumped back narrowly escaping being hit by the spear, and held his shield over his head.

“Cut!” a voice from a few feet away yelled. A bell rang and the director came out from behind the camera and onto the set. Stagehands rushed to clean up the “lava” from the volcanoes to get ready to reshoot the scene.

“Scalzi, you’re an orc,” the director said to John. “You don’t actually speak. I know you know this because you wrote the script and you have no lines, just growls.”

“I’m sorry. I just freaked out with this pointy thing coming at me,” John said.

“The point is dull, John, just like the one on your axe” Wil said. “We can’t have sharp pointy things on this set because our insurance doesn’t cover it.”

“Oh, right. Well, can we try the scene again then?”

Wil rolled his eyes and hopped off the prop beast. One of the cable hooks holding up the animatronic puppet squeaked as it swayed in the air.

“Who told you to get down from there?” The director yelled at Wil. “Get back up there. Somebody get the stepladder.”

“What exactly is this thing?” Wil said as he pointed at the puppet. He pushed it and the puppet swayed precariously back and forth. The single horn on its head reflected the lights from above.

“It was supposed to be a large winged horse with horns and a feline-esque face,” John said. He looked over the friendly kitten swaying in the air. It looked more like it was about to lick him than devour him. “I guess the prop guy didn’t know what to do with that description.”

“Just another thing on the long list of that’s wrong with this production,” Wil said. “Like for example, this clown sweater replica. Who paints a clown face on leather armor? I’m starting to feel like you’re out to get me.”

“It was suppose to be blue and off-white leathers with a mask featuring fearsome Japanese influenced war paint,” John said. “You read the script and approved it. I don’t know why it looks like the infamous clown sweater.”

“That’s it!” Wil yelled as he walked off. “This was supposed to be an epic fantasy movie. This is a joke.”

“Ok everybody, take five,” the director said as he watched Wil storm off.

Wil walked over to his make-up chair. He waved off the girl who came to retouch his make-up and grabbed for his cell phone to check for messages.

“Hey Wheaton,” a voice said.

Wil looked up and around, but everyone was off doing other things and there was no one else near him. The make-up girl was now running after John with some green powder brush.

“Over here, dick,” the voice said again.

Wil looked up in front of him, but only saw his reflection in the mirror. Suddenly, his reflection sighed in exasperation.

Wil jumped back and dropped his phone on the table. His reflection merely held up a finger and pointed at him.

“Listen Wheaton,” his reflection said. “You’re being a dick and you need to knock it off. So this wasn’t the big epic Fantasy movie you wanted, that doesn’t mean –“

“Is this some kind of prank?” Wil said. He cautiously felt around the mirror for cables or wires. “Are you my conscious or perhaps, the evil Wil Wheaton?”

“No, actually I’m the nice guy. You’re the one being evil Wil Wheaton. So the prop guy messed up. That’s not John’s fault. You don’t have to take you frustrations out on him.”

“Yeah, that was a dick move,” Wil said as he thought about what he’d said to John.

“Yeah. So I suggest you apologize to John and tomorrow you can have a talk with the prop department and the costume people if you’re so bothered by what they made.”

Wil nodded his head.

“Wil?”

John’s voice behind him stirred Wil out of his thoughts. He looked up into the mirror but his reflection had gone back to normal. He tilted his head to the side and blinked. His reflection mirrored the movement.

“Hey, John,” Wil said as he turned around.

John stood there holding a Memories of the Future mug out to him.

“Tea. Earl Grey. Hot,” John said.

“Thanks, John,” Wil said. He took the mug and drank some of the hot steamy liquid.

“Wil, I’m sorry this isn’t working out the way you wanted. I’ve never written a screenplay before. Maybe some of what I wrote got lost in translation somehow.” John said.

“No, I’m sorry. I was acting like a dick,” Wil responded. “The prop thing isn’t your fault at all.”

“No, it’s really not. And yeah, you were being a dick,” John said with a smile. “Don’t be a dick, Wil Wheaton.”

“Whatever, Scalzi,” Wil said and laughed.

“Well it’s nice to see you still got a sense of humor.”

“I just wanted it to be good. And all this,” Wil picked at the clown paint on his leather armor chest piece, “it’s not really what I was picturing you know? But, it’s fine really. I’ll talk to the prop and costume people tomorrow and if anything it’ll be the best camp Fantasy movie ever.”

“Maybe we should tape some bacon to the unicorn pegasus kitten,” John said. Wil started laughing. “Or maybe we should have a special edition DVD cover in velvet.”

“Now that was uncalled for, sir,” Wil said as he laughed.

“Back on the set you two!” The director called out to them as he passed by on his way back to his chair.

“You still want to do this scene then?” John asked.

“Yeah. If it doesn’t work then it’ll be on the DVD blooper reel.”

Wil took one last sip and set his mug on the table. He looked at his reflection again, but there was nothing abnormal about it anymore.

Wil and John walked back over to the set. A stagehand came up to them and handed Wil and John the axe, spear, and shield. Wil climbed back on the animatronic puppet as John took his position beneath it.

“Perfect,” The director’s voice came from off stage. “Let’s roll camera!”

A stagehand announced the scene and take before snapping the clapboard.

“Action!”

“Evil Orc, you have pillaged my village for the last time,” Wil Wheaton yelled as he rode atop of the flying beast and raised his spear into the air. The wings of his steed beat a strong wind onto the ground below.

“Grrrr!” John Scalzi growled from where he stood. His green orc hand tightened on his axe.

“I’ll smite ye where ye stand!” yelled Wil. The beast mount opened its jaw and let out a deafening roar as it hovered above the orc.

Wil threw his spear towards John. Dual volcanoes erupted behind him. Glowing red burning lava started to flow down the side destroying all life in its path.

John blocked the spear with his shield. It bounced off and clattered on the ground.

“Grrrr!”

The fearsome winged beast opened its mouth with an animalistic roar. John Scalzi screamed in pain as he fell to the ground writhing in agony before becoming perfectly still.

“And cut!”

“I bet that’ll look great with the fire CGI effects,” John said as he got up from the ground.

“Somebody give Wheaton back the spear we’re going for another take,” the director yelled.

They ran through the scene several times and at several angles before the director was satisfied.

“That was perfect. That’s a wrap for today,” The director yelled at everyone. “Don’t forget we start tomorrow bright and early for the sex scene.”

Wil came down from the animatronic puppet and John came over and gave him a friendly smack on the back.

“That was really fun,” said John.

“Yeah, it was.”

The two friends fist bumped each other and headed off the set and towards their trailers. As Wil passed by his make-up station he looked at his reflection and nodded his thanks.

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