About a Girl: Better Man

I have a friend and a cousin getting married next year. I’ll be in the wedding party both times so naturally I’ve got weddings on the brain at the very least to remind me not to gain any weight between now and then and to try to lose some if at all possible.

But adding to my wedding thoughts is my daughter who will tell anyone who starts talking about dating and marriage that she wants a stepfather and I need to get married soon so she has one. My friends say if she had access to the internet she’d be signing me up for internet dating sites. Coincidentally she’s taken up pointing them out to me on TV. I try on clothes and she says “you can get a man in that shirt”. We go to a store and she says “You can wear this on a date”. Subtlety, not her middle name.

It’s been a couple of months and I can only speculate as to why she feels she needs a stepfather. When I asked her she burst into tears.

Of course the biggest problem in my daughter’s wish for a stepfather is her mother, namely me. I stopped dating a few years ago when I started looking for work in places other than South Florida. I didn’t want to be dating someone and have that hold me back from moving and starting my career. Well, honestly, I’ve never been the dating type. “I stopped dating a few years ago” – ha. I’ve only been on a handful of dates my whole life. I hate dating. blah.

However, I’ve found myself watching wedding shows now. Say Yes to the Dress is my fave, but I also like My Fair Wedding. At first I didn’t want to get caught watching these shows because I felt it showed that I was thinking about marriage. I don’t want anyone to know that yes, sometimes I get lonely. But not lonely enough to start dating.

So let’s say I do get some fab job and move away taking my daughter with me of course. Now I’m in a new town and you know what will happen? I’m still not going to be dating. Who in a new town would I trust to babysit my only child? Probably no one so therefor, no dating.

I know that the desires of a child are no reason to start looking for a husband (though some disagree with me). And I tell myself someday she’ll get over it. I wish I could be sure, but I’m not. To this day I feel like I missed out on something, and continue to miss out on something because I don’t have any siblings (aside from the half-siblings gigolo dad left around this hemisphere). I kind of wish my mom had gotten married and given me a stepfather, but only so I wouldn’t feel so bad about moving away and leaving her alone.

I’m feeling kind of trapped here. There’s no way I’m dating until I find a new job and settle somewhere. And even then I feel apprehensive about it. What if I want to move again a few years later? Why should I even bother trying to date? bleh. There’s no easy answer or solution. I can try to be enough for my daughter and hope she’s not too disappointed.


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