Have moved into new apartment. Hence the sad lack of posts. I don’t even know where to start. I had a lot to say, and I blog in my head, but I haven’t been typing it so here I’ll just write the latest blog entry that was running through my head.
I’ve been in my new apartment for about three weeks now. Almost everything is finished and the way I wanted it. I even have the desk I wanted. It’s up against the wall facing a window, not the view I always envisioned, but almost. And that makes me so happy. It’s my favorite part of my new apartment. I have a desk, I have a desk chair, and drawers, and it all faces a window.
My daughter seems happy with the place too. She loves the sofa. She loves that I got a blue-ray player with access to Netflix. She loves her closet and her Iron Man bedsheets. She loves that we can walk to the park and the mall.
I love how my mother comes over and comments on how clean and tidy it all is. I reminded her how she would always be aghast and claim that if I ever moved out our place would be a total mess. No matter how many times I reminded her that when I lived with my ex our apt. was always pretty much clean and in order. I guess she thought that was his influence and had nothing to do with me. But I clean; I pick-up. I make my daughter pick-up after herself. I do the dishes, and I sweep the floor. It’s not immaculate, but nearly.
So for the past few days I’ve been walking around my place putting some finishing touches, and buying things for it. At some point I realized that I still felt wrong somehow. I stood in the kicthen then and looked around and thought “what’s wrong exactly?” But it was pretty simple to work out the answer. I was in my apartment, yes, but I wasn’t home. Even going back to my mother’s house briefly to pick up some things, I wasn’t home there anymore either. At work, I’ve moved into a new office as well.
I have no sense of home anywhere.
I thought, “well, it’s a new place, maybe that’s all it is”, but quickly that sounded wrong in my head t0o. I looked around again, and it was really a very simple answer. I looked around the room and a thought came out of nowhere… “none of this stuff is mine” I said to myself as I looked at the kitchen table and sofas, my desk, and my bed. None of this stuff is mine. Silly thought really, all the stuff inside this apartment is mine. I picked out all the furniture and decorations. I picked it out, yes, about a month ago. And that’s the rub. It’s all new stuff. It’s not mine the same way my old pair of converse sneakers are. Not the same as when I move my car in and out of lanes and know exactly how my car will handle a turn. These new items are completely foreign to me. I’m not attached to them. I might as well be staying in a nice hotel room.
There’s a lot of hope, redemption, and sadness that went into this new apartment. There are things in it now on display that had been boxed away for a near decade because I had nowhere it could go. The Gollum statue that came with my Lord of the Rings movie had never seen the light of day and when I look at it I’m reminded of those eight years it spent in captivity and why. I need to buy candle holders for the Nightmare Before Christmas candles that I’ve held on to despite almost giving them away as Christmas presents when I was particularly broke and had nothing to give my friends on Christmas or birthdays. Other items were sent away instead, and I don’t think I’ll ever forget that. In the kitchen, The Andy Warhol glasses I’ve also stubbornly held on to still smell like the warehouse I kept them in for seven years.
It almost sounds like no matter what, I still complain. I don’t mean to. It’s nice to feel like I’ve finally accomplished something. I’m proud of it. There’s a whole new level of confidence for me now. And I’ve finally achieved the base goal of my life. I can support myself and not wake up every morning to a job I detest. There. I have not failed at life. For now. Can’t let myself get too comfortable, life is an ongoing effort. But now that I got the base level taken care of I can perhaps move on to bigger goals with the satisfaction that I’ve at least achieved number one on my list.
Home… well, I suppose that will come with time.