why you are not my facebook friend

Read the Oatmeal. It’s funny: How to Suck at Facebook

Yes, I’m in Facebook. I caved a couple years ago when my BFF kept insisting that I was missing his daughter’s childhood because he posted all the pictures on Facebook. So after a few months of nagging, I caved. I’m on Facebook.

However, I remember MySpace. I obsessively designed my myspace page periodically. I had a ton of friends most of whom I hadn’t seen in decades, some I barely remembered. There was myspace drama in people unfriending, or not being on someone’s top 8 friends list, moderating comments, stalking. So I was already anti-social networking. When I joined facebook I did it under the nickname that was so far off from my real name that most people wouldn’t be able to find me. So far it’s worked well enough and I have about ~35 Facebook friends. That’s still higher than I intended, but acceptable. My Facebook friends consist of family, friends, friends who figured out who I was on Facebook, and spouses of friends.

But unlike most people I know, I’m not interested in being Facebook friends with everyone I’ve ever met. Here’s a list of why you are not my facebook friend:

  • I don’t know you. I sometimes get random friend requests because someone seems to identify with my fake name. Why would I friend these people? Pointless.
  • I don’t like you. I haven’t had a request from an enemy or frenemy come in. But I keep my profile locked super private just to keep these people away.
  • I haven’t seen you in over 20 years. Or around 20 years. I’m glad you’re happy and doing well, but have you noticed that we never make plans to see each other in real life? Not even when we were all on myspace. Doesn’t that mean we really don’t care to see each other? Besides, I hear updates about your life from the close friends of mine that did facebook friend you.
  • We work together. Work and Play don’t mix. Last thing I need is my profile landing in the wrong hands at work. Plus, then I can’t bitch about work on my facebook.

Hmmm… that list was shorter than I thought it would be.

I don’t want to sound like a pretentious snob about Facebook. I fully admit I check it daily.  Mostly I like to read my horoscope because the one on Facebook is actually pretty good. But I really like to see any news or updates from my actual friends.  We’re all busy.  Life isn’t like our early 20’s anymore when we saw each other every weekend.  Those days are gone.  Some of us have moved far away.  But I believe those times bonded us together.  So if you are my Facebook friend, rest assured that I really do care about you.  I might even love you.

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