How to Repel Men

A Valentine’s Day tribute post.

This is actually something I’m good at… repelling men. I’ve been honing my skills since high school.  What I mean to say is, this is something I’ve been doing on purpose for years.  It’s not as strange as it sounds.  Lots of women have their own techniques for getting rid of unwanted men in their lives. But sometimes when I comment on some of my techniques people ask for examples.

So here’s my guide to repelling men in order of chronological remembrance. In other words…. it all started in high school.

NOTE: And I can’t stress this enough. It doesn’t matter if what you are saying is true. You are just trying to get rid of this guy.

In high school I learned…
1. You hate everything they love. He’s talking about his wonderful dog. But you hate dogs, sports, convertibles, sunrises. It doesn’t matter if you do or don’t. As of this moment, until this guy goes away, everything he likes you find distasteful.

2. You love everything they hate. Just read above and reverse. If he hates italian food then it is now officially the only thing you’ll eat.

3. That other guy who looks nothing like them is so good looking. This works better if you are talking about some celebrity that they’ve never met or else you risk the guy running and telling whomever you pointed out. The point is, if he’s blonde, you now love brunettes.

4. Key facial expressions. Unfortunately, in high school it’s sometimes hard to avoid men (also in the workforce). So make sure you give them your bitch face. Why are they talking to you? Roll your eyes. Ew. Gross. As if. Alicia Silverstone in Clueless was excellent at giving people looks of disdain.

In college I learned…
4. Surround yourself with male friends who find you unattractive or have already gotten the hint years ago that you are not interested in them. This helps ward off any new potential suitors at establishments that normally attract singles like clubs and bars. Who is that guy you are with? Maybe he’s your boyfriend or date? They will look elsewhere. Plus, if you get yourself some big thug looking teddy bear like I had in my early 20’s, most guys even if they know you will not go past the glare of this man.

6. Ignore him even when he’s talking to you. No eye contact. Angle your body away from them. Everything they say is boring.  Oh, they climbed Mt. Everest, that’s nice. Whatever.  Take any excuse to walk away. Oh, look at my wrist, I got to go.

7. Walk fast, look forward. You have something to do, go do it and ignore everyone along the way. Even if you are just pretending it is really important for you to get to the other side of campus right now.

What I’ve learned since then…
8. You are really boring. Really. How was your weekend? Eh. You just sat around all day doing nothing. Would you want to date some boring guy who goes nowhere except to get another soda from the fridge? If that’s all you do then you aren’t going to get any dates either.

9. Oh, my daughter loves that. Any new guy you meet is not going to be excited that you have a kid. He doesn’t know what a unique snowflake you are. And you’re not. He might as well move on to the next girl right behind you who is just as pretty and interesting as you are, but doesn’t have the extra baggage. So play it up. My daughter and I do just about everything together. Do you know how many guys I’ve met while out with my daughter? None.

10. Just Say No. If for some reason you haven’t managed to repel a man using the above mentioned techniques… and some men are very hard headed… then just say no. Do you want to get coffee? No. Would you like some of this whatever awesome thing I have? No. If they want to know why, just remember, you owe them nothing. The more horrible you are the faster they get the hint. Why don’t you want to get coffee? I just don’t. I once told a guy “Can I just hang up the phone now? I’m done with this conversation.”

That’s more than enough to have kept me single for years.  I also want to mention that another sure fire way to repel men is to be really unattractive. I didn’t list it  because I strive to be pretty.  I’ve also thought about trying out wearing a fake wedding ring, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.

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