When I was in college my photography teacher wanted us to hand in two photos as a project. One image was to represent how we present ourselves to the world, and the other was suppose to represent our inner selves. I passed the assignment for having done it, but neither my teacher nor myself was very happy with my work. As far as I was concerned I had no inner self. What you saw is what you got from me and I suppose the only difference with the two images should have been one where I don’t tell people how stupid I think they are.
Fast forward to now and I can clearly see a difference. I’m not sure if it existed or not back in my early twenty’s. Back then I had a large group of friends I shared everything with: life love, food, experiences, time… everything. Today, I don’t share most of my thoughts with anybody. I’m not going to burden my daughter with my thoughts, I’m her mother. I’m not going to share my pain or worries with my mother, I know what she’ll say (“well, when I was your age I had it so much worse” but in Spanish). I’m not going to share it with my friends, I rarely see them now, they have their own lives and problems. It’s best to spend our time together happily and leave our worried behind.
So I kept seeing this thing on the net, and I decided to make my own. I wonder what my art teacher would have said.
I think the world sees me as this semi-goth geek who’s good around computers. I think my mom sees me as a grown-up, really, a librarian who’s got a bit too much on her plate to be all alone. I know my daughter thinks I’m the best mom in the world, no matter how many times I try to dissuade her from the thought. I think my friends see me as the anti-social girl who likes dark things, is carnivorous, and had a baby (they’d be right, I am all those things). I see myself as a loser. A really smart girl who is failing at life when you factor in how smart and talented people seem to think I am.
But how am I really? I’ve been compared to Janeane Garafalo since I was a teenager. Her character in Romy & Michele’s High School reunion might as well have been me, minus the millions of dollars she made inventing fast burning paper. As I’ve grown I’ve gotten a bit nicer (at least to peope’s faces) but my friends now that sometimes I say horribly mean things.
In the end, I think it’s safe to say that I am all of these things pictured.