I don’t know.
No, I’m sorry. I was talking to someone and mentioning my blog post How to Repel Men and so then she asks, “ok, well how do you attract men?” And so I laughed and admitted defeat.
Historically if I was attracted to a guy there was a series of things I would do. None of these things was a potential way to attract this person, it was a list of things I would do to try and ensure that this guy never found out I was interested in him. I’m not sure if that sounds crazy or not. In my head it makes perfect sense.
I didn’t want to be in the vulnerable position of being interested in a guy in anything more of the “you are attractive, anyone can see that, doesn’t mean I care” vibe going. And there are genuine instances of that. I might know someone who is really good looking, but I don’t care because they might not be my type or I’ve gotten to know them and all attraction is gone. But yes, sometimes I might have some big crush on a guy and while most people might be wondering how to get their attention I was busy making sure they didn’t know I existed.
So let me go through the steps here.
Say there’s a guy I have my eye on that I might have to interact with at some point. In other words, someone at school, someone in my group of friends, someone at work and so forth. Guy at the Mall doesn’t count because I can choose to walk past him and never see him again. But let’s say when I was in school if there was a cute guy, I’d have to potentially see him everyday.
First I make sure no one knows I have a potential crush. Trust No One. Seriously. That’s the easiest way for information to get back to a guy. There have been times I’ve told people if I was crushing on someone, it’s either bad or pointless. I keep it to myself.
Two is making sure he doesn’t know that you know he exists. I’d resist looking over in his direction. I avoided being in social situations with him. If I’m stuck at the same party as some guy I have a crush on, I make conversation with other people in a different room if I can manage.
The next thing is tricky, because if you go out of your way to avoid the person they might notice. So there has to be a bit of a balance. I had to be able to have a small conversation with the person. Let’s say I was at a party and said guy walked into the kitchen when I was getting myself a beer from the fridge. I say “Want a beer?” And then maybe I hand him the beer and say something positive about the party while I open the top and hand him the bottle opener. Then I smile politely and rejoin the party.
At this point the person might not realize I’m interested in them at all. I try to treat them the same way I would any random person and nothing special in either direction. That’s really the key to all this. Treating your crush the same way you would anyone else.
I should add here that if I know I have zero chance with this person I went the extra mile. If I somehow became friends with this person, like they became a larger part of my social circle, I became their wing man. Sounds silly, but if I wasn’t going to date him it was nice to be the female friend. And perhaps it did make me look more attractive to others, which might sound bad but it was really a mutually beneficial platonic relationship.
Today, by extra mile I also mean I try to sabotage any chance with said crush my feelings might think they have. For example, lets say there’s a guy now that I would crush on. The first thing I might do is remind myself why that guy would never be interested in me. And so my brain will make sure that I emphasize those things when my crush is around. I’ll start talking about being a mom, about not liking working out, about the nerdiest thing I have ever done, my baby daddy if I have to. Whatever I have to say in order to kill my hopes and dreams and go back to looking at my tumblr feed.
So how in the world have I ever had boyfriends if I try to act casual with everyone?
That’s more incidental than anything else. I do flirt if a guy I don’t find repulsive flirts with me. I want, I suppose, the appearance of cool, and if they are cool flirting then so am I. It’s flattering. And sometimes it actually means something and sometimes the guys are just flirty guys and have no real interest in me. I don’t know until they make an actual move. Sometimes I accept and sometimes I don’t.
How did I attract them? Them not finding me ugly helps. After that who knows. I don’t get offended if someone is not attracted to me. We all have different types and things we like in a person so I can’t really say there’s a real way. Blondes, Brunettes, smart, musical, thin, curvy, short, long legs, feminine, athletic, outgoing, cool, vegetarian, blue eyes, party girl, religious, fake boobs, professional career, adventurous, artistic and so on and so on. We all have different lists of things we look for in a person.
I try to make sure I maintain my looks and brains to a certain level because I want to look good to the world. And of course if I have a thing for a guy I don’t want them to find me completely repulsive even if I know our love was never meant to be (or exist).
How do you attract a man? The same way you would attract a friend. The only difference, it seems to me, is that then that friend has to also find you sexually attractive. And those requirements vary greatly from person to person.