Have you ever heard people say things like “where were you when they were passing out brains?” As a kid hearing stuff like that I got a certain scenario in my head. Who was passing out brains and where did this happen? I pictured my soul, an amorphous thing with no definition, standing in line in the spiritual plane waiting to get the attributes that are now my life. I’m an adult now, but this white cafeteria looking space where people wait patiently to be born is still too deeply engrained in my head.
As a child I was raised in Christianity, but that had little to do with my ideas of heaven and hell or anything other than “there must be a space where we hang out waiting to be born that has nothing to do with the judgement of Heaven and Hell”. For some reason I think I was heavily influenced as child by the 1987 movie, Made in Heaven and 1989’s Chances Are. Here, two guys (one in each movie) die and get reborn to find the girls they fell in love with. They come back to Earth in less than ideal situations because they were in such a hurry to get back. The best way I can explain how I pictured it though is from a forgotten little movie called, Defending Your Life.
It’s not Heaven, it’s not Hell. It’s like a holding tank when you move on.
So at some point, I thought as a child, I was in one of these types of places when they were handing out brains. And I got a decent deal, because I’m smart enough to have gone through school relatively easily. I may not have gotten such a great deal as some other folk, but I didn’t do too bad. And my body as well, it’s fully functional. So brains and bodies, I might not have gotten a Lexus of deals, but I did all right.
Despite being an agnostic, I still picture this space in my head whenever I feel bad about complaining for my lot in life. Currently this year I lost my apartment, my car, and my parking spot. Now this was all temporary (except for the parking spot) and I’ve had to adjust to a new situation that has left me unbalanced and I’m not adjusting very well. And then I think, but I got a bigger apartment for not so much more than what I was paying. And technically I’m saving money by having to move to a different parking space. And I have a nicer car now despite having to make payments instead of having it paid. It’s not ideal, but I have the job now that I can afford it without counting pennies like I was this time last year.
Things aren’t bad, they might even be better, but I’m just a knot of anxiety and I’m not getting better as soon as I’d hoped.
And then I feel bad for feeling bad and I picture myself in that big white tiled room waiting in line to be handed some brains. I got a good deal. They even dropped me off in a good spot, a less than ideal situation, but with some really nice people (my family and friends) who’ve helped me along the way into a better situation. I know I got a good deal, but I am so tired of feeling guilt on top of everything else when I’m trying to get through a bad time.