Choosing a Sex Buddy and Making it Work

A few days ago I was having a somewhat inappropriate conversation with a someone. The thing is, I’ve always been a bigger fan of the fuck buddy relationship than of normal dating scene scenarios. As I was explaining to this person, I prefer to have sex with a friend because it comes with a certain level of comfort. I get a person who I have a higher level of faith is not an axe murderer, but also a person I know actually likes spending time with me. If I’m lucky, a person with a certain level of respect for me.

Now, usually movies that show this type of relationship end with the two people involved realizing they were in love all along. I have never experienced that scenario. Honestly, a friends with benefits relationship can be as complicated as a regular romantic one. There’s whole different ways it can turn sour and you lose your friend. At this point in my life, it’s not a relationship I enter as lightly as I once did. I’ve had successes, but I have had many more failures.

I read a few articles on the subject before I went ahead and posted this. While I think they had some helpful tips, I have a few other things on my list that they don’t have. So here are my rules and tips based on my previous experiences that I think can help others, as well as myself in the future, find harmony with a sex buddy.

1. Target a Player. I target womanizers, always have. The stereotype is women thinking they can be the one to change their ways. I was banking on them not changing their ways. I had a pretty large group of extended friends the foundations of which I made in high school. I knew who the players were and I knew they were not looking to settle down.

2. Establish yourself as a player. By establishing myself to them as a fellow player, or promiscuous, and not taking any of their crap I established a certain level of understanding. They knew they could be straight with me, and that they didn’t have to lay down their “seduction”. If I wanted to play I’d just let them know.

3. Do not go after the guy who just got out of a long-term relationship. I thought this world work. That these guys wouldn’t be looking to find another girlfriend after being tied down so long. I thought they’d want to play the field. I was mostly wrong.

4. Limit sex to one or two days out of the month. At least with each guy. This really helps establish the distance between the sex and feelings. If I saw any of these guys on other occasions, I wouldn’t go home with them if it would exceed the limit. The times that I did, the sex buddy relationship failed. The exception to this rule is if the person lives out of town and you won’t see them again for months anyway.

5. Limit, or completely cut off, any non-sex related alone time. That’s too much like dating. It’s okay to be at the same parties as long as you are mingling with everyone. Do not start watching TV at their house or go see a movie. That is dating.

6. Don’t let them treat you like an SO. This was the biggest issue I had. Let me explain. This person cannot get mad if you are at the same party and you are putting the moves on someone else. They should be supportive. I have been wing-man to several sex buddies in the past. Don’t be their date to a wedding or office party either. That is too much like dating.

7. Don’t sleep over and stay for breakfast. Normally, I like to sneak out before dawn if I’m sober enough.

8. Infatuation lasts 4 months. That’s the saying anyway and my second longest relationship was 4 months so perhaps there is something to that rule. The truth is you may find yourself mooning over this person. As for me, if I can follow my own rules and bite my tongue, I find that after four months any feeling I think I might have just disappear. Thing is, knowing that the vast majority of men will take a series of fucks over a series of dates kind of puts a damper on the whole love thing for me. Makes it easier to get over any infatuation.  If you can’t get over the infatuation, walk away.

9. No pictures or videos. This is just a general statement. Unless you are comfortable with the whole world watching you have sex and seeing you naked, I believe we have officially lost this avenue of fun.  You can’t trust ANYONE not to post you online.

And last but MOST IMPORTANT:

10. Get out at the FIRST sign of disrespect. Nothing is more important in any relationship than respect. I want someone who appreciates what I’m offering, not someone who thinks I’m a slut because I like to have sex. I mean, if they think I’m a slut they better KNOW that THEY are also a slut. No treating me like crap, no thinking they can demand any sexual act from me, no getting angry if I don’t feel like putting out that day. I demand respect and anyone who disrespects me has lost the privilege of riding this ride.

from The Guild Season 2 – left is Riley who is hanging out with Codex (right), a girl interested in dating Riley’s sex buddy. This is no problem for Riley.

Most of my sex buddy relationships have ended because of more than friendly feelings growing from one of us. Some where I picked the wrong people. Some were just the friendships that collapsed and it really had nothing to do with the sex. Some of the people have moved on from now and gotten married and had kids and perhaps they are Facebook friends. And sometimes it was disrespect.

So now a warning… perhaps it’s my age, I’m no longer in my 20’s where everyone is partying every weekend. I’ve a smaller group of friends now so my pool has significantly shrunk and through the years I’ve burned a lot of bridges. I wish it was safe to use Craigslist for a random hook-up and not fear for my life, health or simply end up with douche after douche who treats me like a hooker that takes coupons. As things are right now, my sex life is nothing I can drunkenly boast about it and it use to be.

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