Motivation – the eternal struggle

This book and talking to my two closets friends taught me that I procrastinate because I am a perfectionist. It really should have dawned on me sooner given how much I’ve always hated not being the best and how much I sometimes hate my own body. But I digress…

I was going to write an inspirational blog entry about New Years Resolutions because I usually write one where I list goals and then fail utterly at most if not all. I did not accomplish a single goal last year and it was not a very good feeling.  I resolved then to not make any or perhaps concentrate on just one goal this year, but even that idea makes me sad.

A few years ago when I started my graphic design job I called my best friend in tears because I couldn’t figure out what my next steps in making life goals should be.  Should I try for another Masters degree because the one I had was doing me no good? Should I focus on my writing/art? I was completely lost as what to do with myself. I wanted more out of life but I was lost as to how to get anywhere. He told me to chill out and enjoy what I had.

There is some sense to that.  I didn’t really need another Masters degree and it would have just been another debt to make me feel like I was drowning. So I used the excuse of settling and making the most of my job and decided I could now concentrate on my writing/art.  Instead I spent two years reading porn. I mean, I did some writing, but I wasted a lot of time on just reading to keep escaping my reality and procrastinating instead of accomplishing anything.

So now I passed New Years and my 36th birthday is in about two weeks. I see my future and all I can see is a black hole of monotony with no end or escape.

I’m constantly dieting and not doing a very good job at it. But there are times when some magic switch clicks in my brain and I have no problems putting down the chocolate bar and saying no to the McDonalds meal. Those are the times I can shave off 7 pounds in two weeks.  I wish I knew how to control that magic switch and then apply it to other things in my life.




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