But Not For Me

It's okay, Tony Robbins, life itself bitch-slapped me.

It’s okay, Tony Robbins, life itself bitch-slapped me.

My best friend makes me mixed CDs for my birthday and Christmas. It started at his wedding when he gave everyone mixed CDs as a wedding gift. I liked it so much I told him I wanted one from then on in lieu of spending money on each other. The wedding CDs were personalized and on mine he added the song from Shallow Hal when Hal is at the club dancing, Too Young from Phoenix. I asked him if he was implying I was shallow to which he replied in short terms “duh.”

I told him then about this guy I had had a massive crush on who was not my usual dumb cute guy or cute asshole. He worked at the same place I did. I remember when I first saw him I dismissed him easily. He wasn’t ugly, more average; not really my type at all in any case and kind of a dork. His friend who started at the same time with him was really good looking though. Kind of looked like he could be Noah Wyle’s better looking younger brother. Most girls there had a crush on him including my work friend.

One day my friend and I were having lunch when we saw them approaching the diner through the window. The diner was packed and there were only two chairs left – at our table. So I tell her I’ll talk to dorky guy so she could get to know hot guy better. I knew I had no chance at hot guy. I was a single mom at a shit job with no future in sight. My stock had plummeted and the company of me was near bankrupt.  I was practically worthless.  He was on a clear career path. At the very least, my friend was young, hot and childless. So I played wing-man.

Sure enough they come in to the diner, I ask if they want to sit with us since all the other chairs are taken. I spend the whole time talking to dorky guy to give my friend a chance with hot guy. By the end of lunch I was completely knocked over; he was so fun and cool and we liked so many of the same things. He was charming, charismatic, larger than life. I walked out of that diner with a massive crush on the dork.

We worked together for maybe a year or close to it.  As I’ve told this story through the years there are things I still remember. I remember how when some people at work said dumb things we’d look at each other, silently communicating. I remember his ring tone, the surprise on his face when he learned I owned an obscure 80’s movie, what he wore when he had to do laundry. His last day of work there he gave me a hug and wished me luck.

So my best friend asks “well, why didn’t you do anything about your massive crush”.  The main reason is that he already had a girlfriend. They lived together. Even if I had been at my best I wouldn’t have ever tried to do anything to get between that. I don’t want to be that girl. He was not single, so no, I wasn’t going to try and mess with that. Thing is though, had he been single, I don’t think anything would have happened anyway. Like I said, his station and status in life was just massively out of my league. If he’d been single he could have done a lot better than me.

That was almost if not a decade ago. I heard he got married eventually to that girl he lived with. That was that. And I’ve been telling this story for years.

But wait, there’s more. Because I ran into him recently. I had stopped in somewhere to get food and while I was taking off my coat to lay it on the chair I looked up and there he was. This is so embarrassing, but I couldn’t contain my shock. He was surprised that I could remember his name. Probably because he didn’t remember me at all.

There are times I’ll run into someone that knows me from high school and I don’t remember them. They look vaguely familiar, as dorky guy said to me. I try to be nice and smile and be friendly. And he went through those motions, but either he was having a bad day or he just didn’t care at all. He was unsmiling, cold, distant and when he left I felt like a fangirl who’d just been dismissed by a fave celebrity. Which is fine. I’m not mad, just a little sad.  Plus, he was with, whom I assume, were his wife and kids.

Hopefully, if I ever see him again I can be cool and just not say anything at all. He won’t notice, because he doesn’t remember me. The title of this post comes from a Frank Sinatra song, But Not For Me. If you’re reading this D, perhaps that can go on my next mixed CD.

Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, my friend did not end up with the hot guy.

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