One Wedding and One Funeral

Jim Obergefell and John Arthur: http://www.whymarriagemattersoh.org/obergefell/

It’s been an eventful past two weeks for me. One of my uncle’s died and then two weeks later one of my best friends got married. I waited until after the wedding to post all this because I thought I would be feeling introspective, but I wasn’t.  I was more affected by the vacation time from work.

My uncle is not really related to me by blood. It’s one of those found family situations and he was one of my mother’s best friends. I had almost all my childhood birthday parties at his house.  But a few years ago he got sick and pretty much all parties ended as he deteriorated through the years. The sanctions for gay marriage being legal here in Florida came too late. He wasn’t able to leave the house by then, and by the time gay marriage was made legal everywhere, he had already died. He’d been with his partner for about 35 years.

In contrast the wedding I attended was between a straight couple who’d known each other a few years, not sure how much.  They’d only been dating a few months and had a quickie wedding at the courthouse with little fanfare. She’s a bit down to earth and wanted the Sex and the City wedding. In her short white dress and blue shoes, we went to a diner afterwards and wished them the best.

There’s one thing I’ve noticed since I was old enough to notice is that this whole time, if you asked a same-sex couple how long they’d been together they responded the total time they’d been together. But with straight married couples you’d often only get the answer of how many years they’d been married. As if the clock reset somehow. Shouldn’t they be taking some credit for all those other years they were together? I guess they could give the longer answer of together 11, married 4. Or 4 years, but 7 dating, so a total of 11. What about 4 years, 1 engaged and 6 dating.  If you were dating someone for 5 years and split, and then married someone after dating two years, married 3 and then divorced, so both relationship are five years. Aren’t they both equally valid?

My existential dilemna came during my forced vacation between these two events. If I’m not working I don’t really seem to know what to do with myself. I had all the time to do so many things and end up mostly giving myself a headache from constantly laying down and trying to balance an ipad while surfing through tumblr. All the projects I wanted to start were left waiting and every day that passed I felt progressively more awful for not being more productive. It took a few days before I found something to do (watch Jurrasic World, attend SuperCon).

Today is a new day off for the holiday after having been back to work finally. I have already started one project. Two if you count this blog post. I’m going to order pizza, watch a movie with my kid, and hopefully have a nice day.

So what did I learn from the wedding and the funeral?  That the SCOTUS decision last week is going to be so helpful for couples like my uncle and his partner. I didn’t just mourn him, it was also the death of a great loving relationship that will still now have to jump through some legal hoops as all affairs come to order.

And maybe because of seeing my uncle’s partner mourn, I learned that for all my cynicism, and I still think it’s a long shot in hell of me ever getting married, but if I do, then I don’t want a courthouse wedding. I don’t mean this in offense to the newly married couple, as they are both lawyers then court might of just been the perfect setting. And I guess that’s the thing, it wouldn’t be the perfect setting for me. And the fact that I even allowed myself to delve into the fantasy of a perfect wedding location is weird for me.  FYI, it’d be Kennedy Space Center.

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