Motivation – the eternal struggle

This book and talking to my two closets friends taught me that I procrastinate because I am a perfectionist. It really should have dawned on me sooner given how much I’ve always hated not being the best and how much I sometimes hate my own body. But I digress…

I was going to write an inspirational blog entry about New Years Resolutions because I usually write one where I list goals and then fail utterly at most if not all. I did not accomplish a single goal last year and it was not a very good feeling.  I resolved then to not make any or perhaps concentrate on just one goal this year, but even that idea makes me sad.

A few years ago when I started my graphic design job I called my best friend in tears because I couldn’t figure out what my next steps in making life goals should be.  Should I try for another Masters degree because the one I had was doing me no good? Should I focus on my writing/art? I was completely lost as what to do with myself. I wanted more out of life but I was lost as to how to get anywhere. He told me to chill out and enjoy what I had.

There is some sense to that.  I didn’t really need another Masters degree and it would have just been another debt to make me feel like I was drowning. So I used the excuse of settling and making the most of my job and decided I could now concentrate on my writing/art.  Instead I spent two years reading porn. I mean, I did some writing, but I wasted a lot of time on just reading to keep escaping my reality and procrastinating instead of accomplishing anything.

So now I passed New Years and my 36th birthday is in about two weeks. I see my future and all I can see is a black hole of monotony with no end or escape.

I’m constantly dieting and not doing a very good job at it. But there are times when some magic switch clicks in my brain and I have no problems putting down the chocolate bar and saying no to the McDonalds meal. Those are the times I can shave off 7 pounds in two weeks.  I wish I knew how to control that magic switch and then apply it to other things in my life.




Ideas… Motivation… just get this stuff out of my head already!

I have ideas… but where’s my motivation? I read this procrastination book once that led me to the realization that I was a perfectionist and that’s why I was procrastinating. Sounds silly, but then I had my friends pointed out that I was a perfectionist and how come it took me so long to notice.

My point, and I don’t actually have one, is that I have so many ideas floating in my head that it’s getting kind of crowded in there. The thing I miss most about being in college was that I was in classes with other artists. I even worked at the library with a musician. We were all an artistic community and we all supported and encouraged each other. Yes, we also critiqued each other, and that is both a necessary and wonderful part of being in an artistic community.

My point, and I think I finally found one, is that I was motivated by the people around me.  And since I no longer have other artists asking me what I’m working on and therefor motivating me to do something so I can avoid the embarrassment of saying that I’ve done nothing but watch TV and surf the net… I have trouble motivating myself into getting anything done.


  1. editing my novels
  2. writing those short stories I keep writing in my head
  3. working on my Pilgrim photos/haiku’s I was thinking about
  4. I wanted to try painting without any of my corrective lenses on
  5. everyone is getting homemade xmas presents from me cause I’m low on cash

My procrastination makes me feel like such a poser. And then I feel so bad I just want to escape into the fantasy realm of my television set.  Then I feel bad for watching TV instead of creating.  And because I’m not creating as often as I’d like I feel like such a poser. So I go watch TV to not think about it.

It’s a vicious cycle.