How Does the Story End?

my favorite children’s book of all time – The Monster at The End of this Book

About a week ago my thoughts wandered into “am I happy?” territory.  A few years ago I had blogged that I didn’t think I’d ever be happy. And while I am certainly happier than I was back then, was I now happy? What would it take for me to be able to say to myself “I am happy, not just in this moment, but in general”.  I’m not sure I can get myself to that point and it revolves around the idea that I don’t know how my story ends.

This sounds a bit weird or perhaps overly controlling, but since none of us are psychic then I have no idea what’s going to happen in the future.  Tomorrow, my child could be kidnapped and murdered because life just tends to be random like that. And I know it’s not healthy to think that way, although sometimes people say enjoy today because you might die tomorrow, and so I’m a bit conflicted on what I’m supposed to think.

Regardless, I can’t help but think that way. It’s like I’m looking at my life as if it was a book or a movie where no one has told me the genre and I’m afraid that any minute it’s going to turn into a tear-jerking tragedy. So I’m just going to have to wait until I’m almost dead and that’s the only moment I’ll know what genre my life was in because I’ll know then how my story ends. And I don’t mean that in a completely self-absorbed way either. On my death bed (or however I die) I’ll have known the stories of all my loved ones up to a certain point and sometimes until their ends. And that’s an even more terrifying unknown.

So if my life is a book then who is the author? I’d like to think it’s me, but I can’t control the rest of the characters. Sometimes writing a book is that way, the world and people you create take on a life of their own and the story gets away from you. But overall, the analogy doesn’t really fit unless someone else is doing the writing.

But, if my life is a book and I am the author, then it’s a book I cannot edit. What I do is permanent and cannot be erased.  I cannot go back and make a different choice, or write in a more interesting scene, suddenly give myself 10 years of Karate lessons.  That’s the most sobering thought of all. Think about what you are doing because there is no way to undo it.  Think about what you are not doing because there is no way to reclaim that time.

There are few things I regret more than the time I feel I’ve wasted. If I am the author of my own life then I currently have a blank document open and the blinking cursor is mocking me.

made by vamptastica


*icon made by -vamptastica-


The Many Faces of Me

When I was in college my photography teacher wanted us to hand in two photos as a project.  One image was to represent how we present ourselves to the world, and the other was suppose to represent our inner selves. I passed the assignment for having done it, but neither my teacher nor myself was very happy with my work.  As far as I was concerned I had no inner self. What you saw is what you got from me and I suppose the only difference with the two images should have been one where I don’t tell people how stupid I think they are.

Fast forward to now and I can clearly see a difference.  I’m not sure if it existed or not back in my early twenty’s. Back then I had a large group of friends I shared everything with: life love, food, experiences, time… everything. Today, I don’t share most of my thoughts with anybody. I’m not going to burden my daughter with my thoughts, I’m her mother.  I’m not going to share my pain or worries with my mother, I know what she’ll say (“well, when I was your age I had it so much worse” but in Spanish).  I’m not going to share it with my friends, I rarely see them now, they have their own lives and problems.  It’s best to spend our time together happily and leave our worried behind.

So I kept seeing this thing on the net, and I decided to make my own. I wonder what my art teacher would have said.

Wait, I’ll explain

Inside the Actor’s Studio Questions

I don’t normally photoshop myself on Laura Linney’s body.

I somehow landed on a video of Inside the Actor’s Studio’s James Lipton offering acting advice to Mitt Romney. I’ve never watched this show. I know it exists and I’ve flicked past it a few times with the remote, but after watching a minute of it once I was just a bit bored. Perhaps if I was an actor I might find it interesting to listen to successful people in my chosen profession, but I’m not an actor and so then.

But I clicked on this video and was amused. I also learned that he has these 10 questions he asks everyone. Since when I talk to myself it’s to give myself fake interviews, this happened.

Answering these questions was more difficult than I thought possible.

Vin’s Answers to The Inside the Actor’s Studio Questions

My Night with Whitney Houston

I have a Whitney Houston story, and since she died a few days ago it seem fitting I share it now.  Before I begin I would like to say that I was a Whitney Houston fan when I was young.  She was a very talented singer and it’s unfortunate she died so young. This story is perhaps not the most favorable light of her, but that doesn’t mean I ever thought ill of her.  She was a beautiful and talented singer, but she was also a human being.

Sitting in the VIP section with Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown

Gift Cards No – Wish List Yes

I have a love and hate relationship with gift cards.

It’s nice to give someone a gift card because they can then buy whatever they most want. I’m all for this.  This works especially well with retiring co-workers, as a thank you or with my mother. I like receiving gift cards too because it means I can buy what I want.  But really, gift cards are evil little things. Most people say that they’re impersonal and miss the point of giving gifts. That’s not why they’re bad though. The real reason is that I, and the people who I give gift cards too, now know the monetary value of our relationship.

Among my financial bracket $20 is a good solid gift card amount.  It’s also probably more than I would have spent if I had simply gone to a store and bought something. That includes shipping and handling.  I’m not rich enough to be considered cheap at this point. But a gift card that’s less than $20 usually looks cheap. If I’d just gone to Best Buy or Target I could have gotten someone a good DVD for $14.99 or less. A cool graphic t-shirt for $12.  A Thor hammer for $9.99. A box of your favorite chocolates for $5.  And none of those says “cheap, but a $10 gift card – the horror.

That’s why I say wish lists reign supreme as the best way to shop for that third cousin twice removed and almost everyone else. You make a list of the things you want, I look at list, pick something I know you want at a good price bracket and give it to you knowing, KNOWING, that you will like it. It’s a win-win situation.

I’ll tell you why this is all still in keeping with the holiday spirit.  Making wish lists is like making a list of all the toys we wanted Santa to bring us when we were kids. It’s a throwback to our childhood. Where we are still the child making lists, but now we are also the adults, the Santa’s, bringing joy to each other’s lives.

I in no way believe any of that last paragraph.  But it sounds good, right?