Choosing a Sex Buddy and Making it Work

A few days ago I was having a somewhat inappropriate conversation with a someone. The thing is, I’ve always been a bigger fan of the fuck buddy relationship than of normal dating scene scenarios. As I was explaining to this person, I prefer to have sex with a friend because it comes with a certain level of comfort. I get a person who I have a higher level of faith is not an axe murderer, but also a person I know actually likes spending time with me. If I’m lucky, a person with a certain level of respect for me.

Now, usually movies that show this type of relationship end with the two people involved realizing they were in love all along. I have never experienced that scenario. Honestly, a friends with benefits relationship can be as complicated as a regular romantic one. There’s whole different ways it can turn sour and you lose your friend. At this point in my life, it’s not a relationship I enter as lightly as I once did. I’ve had successes, but I have had many more failures.

I read a few articles on the subject before I went ahead and posted this. While I think they had some helpful tips, I have a few other things on my list that they don’t have. So here are my rules and tips based on my previous experiences that I think can help others, as well as myself in the future, find harmony with a sex buddy.

how it worked for me


How to Attract Men – actually, how to sabotage yourself if you have a crush

I don’t know.

No, I’m sorry. I was talking to someone and mentioning my blog post How to Repel Men and so then she asks, “ok, well how do you attract men?” And so I laughed and admitted defeat.

Historically if I was attracted to a guy there was a series of things I would do.  None of these things was a potential way to attract this person, it was a list of things I would do to try and ensure that this guy never found out I was interested in him.   I’m not sure if that sounds crazy or not.  In my head it makes perfect sense.

I didn’t want to be in the vulnerable position of being interested in a guy in anything more of the “you are attractive, anyone can see that, doesn’t mean I care” vibe going.  And there are genuine instances of that.  I might know someone who is really good looking, but I don’t care because they might not be my type or I’ve gotten to know them and all attraction is gone.  But yes, sometimes I might have some big crush on a guy and while most people might be wondering how to get their attention I was busy making sure they didn’t know I existed.

So let me go through the steps here.

How to Play it Cool

Shame Disconnect

Just got back from the movie Shame starring Michael Fassbender and directed by Steve McQueen.

I had my night all planned out. I was going to see this movie by myself so I wouldn’t have to bother with any behavior modification on my part. If I got turned on, then I got turned on. If I felt like moping, I would mope. Afterwards my plan was to walk around the beach feeling sorry for myself as I wandered in complete desolation.

Mission accomplished.

The movie follows the struggles of a sex addict. That might sound like fun, but no. The main character is completely miserable. He’s trying to function in society, but… I’m a bit in awe of some of the moments captured in this film. And it’s easy, I think, for the audience to relate to some of the themes. Shame and disconnection. Two words I can totally get behind right now.

As for me I had a good night. It was painful. But I loved the freedom of being able to just feel without having to edit myself for the benefit of others. I know that sounds all sorts of strange or wrong, but I think it just boils down to, it had been too long since I took myself out.

That’s it. I’m a bit too maudlin for a longer blog.

Cereal Monogamy

I was reading this article from the New York Times this past Wednesday.

I want to bring a little perspective on the old cereal – monogamy example. We’ve all heard the argument against monogamy where a man will say something like “who wants to eat the same cereal everyday?” Which usually makes me think, “well, I know I don’t want to eat the same cereal everyday.” But this week I was giving more thought to this analogy and realized the flaws in it.

First off, I don’t eat cereal everyday. Sometimes I’ll snack on K cereal as part of my diet, but that’s where my cereal eating ends. So the idea of having to eat cereal everyday for the rest of my life is nauseating. I’m going to equate this idea to marrying someone I don’t really like but maybe he’d be good for my health or maybe he was on sale. Not a good reason to make a commitment.

A better Analogy, though creepy

Boy + Boy = not me

Am writing the next chapter of the Jason-Cinderella fic. Really I am. I just got distracted with my shiny new fandom, Kirk/Spock. I’ve spent the past few weeks obsessively looking through all the fan fiction I could find because I have an obsessive personality. Not stalker obsessive, but calling every Burger King in my area until I found all four Star Trek glasses obsessive.

But first… I have a new icon.

and now a view on my non-sex life