I may have mentioned before that I may or may not have been somewhat popular back in school. If I was, it was as one of the crazies and not like Regina George’s crew. Seriously, I was more Janis, though not as awesome. But ok, people still say I’m a bit snobbish and elitist or whatever. And more than one person has called me “mean” (and many other worse things).
What I mean to say is, I know both sides of the coin. I’ve never told someone they couldn’t sit with me, but I’ve been told I’ve been too intimidating sometimes and people are afraid I will bite their head off if they sit with me. I won’t, by the way. Just saying. I’ve also seen cliques back in school I really thought were cool and I wanted to hang with all of them. Mostly I’m thinking of this group of rocker kids in 8th grade that I really admired, but I was just a 7th grader. I was just starting to get the clothing and so I wasn’t a part of that group.
So I’ve recently been going through similar feelings. I don’t want to get too into it in case those acquaintances happen to wander into this website. I’ve been going to a group event where the tables are a bit disjointed and I always end up alone on a side table since I have my daughter with me and I don’t want to take up so much space at the main table. What happens though is that the folk at the main table start talking amongst themselves and I’m left odd man out.
They aren’t doing it on purpose, and sometimes they try to include me. But the thing is, because of the noise level, sometimes I miss portions of what they are saying. Sometimes my daughter wants me to explain something that someone said and by the time I’m done I’ve gotten lost from the conversation.
There’s only so many times I can say “what was that?” or “what did she say?” before I start feeling like the loser trailing after the cool kids. I tried for a bit, but then I just gave up. Last time I went was the last draw for me and I left early feigning sickness. I’m sure I wasn’t missed. I haven’t been back since, but I’ll be back for the main big event coming up. After that, I don’t know. It was a great way for me to motivate myself into doing stuff, but I ended up spending a lot of the time I was there just trying to fit in. Ultimately, I felt like I was trying too hard and that’s like the opposite of cool.
And so now I’m officially sitting at home and binge watching TV shows and reading fan fiction with all my spare time. Was “no outside interests” and “no friends” the next step to crazy cat lady land? I want to make sure I have everything ready for the cats when I get them.